Literary Wrongs
by Thomas the Traveler
Summary: Ever heard of CinemaSins? I got tired of the crudity, and thought to myself "I could do that and keep it clean." Then I thought, "Well, why don't I?" So, introducing Literary Wrongs! Could become a multiverse crossover, depending on the response. Currently featuring the first chapter of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
1. EWW Redwall

**Summary pretty much says it all. This is only for the first chapter of the book; I'll decide whether or not to continue based on the response and/or time I get. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: The book _Redwall_ was written by Brian Jacques, and is currently owned by whoever he named in his will. I'm too lazy to find out who that is right now, but feel free to find out independently.**

 _ **CinemaSins**_ **is a Youtube comedy series owned by . . . actually, I have no idea who owns that, either. Regardless, it is their idea which brought about the conception of _Literary Wrongs_.**

 **I own neither of the above ideas. Just the _Literary Wrongs_ concept, which I'm fine with someone else using.**

* * *

 **Everything Wrong**

 **With**

 **REDWALL**

 **In 4+ Pages**

 **Spoilers**

(DUH)

* * *

 _Book One: The Wall_

Which wall? I know the abbey is called Redwall, but it has four walls. So, which one?

Wrongs Record: 1

* * *

" _How can you ever hope to be accepted as a mouse of Redwall, when you are always dashing about grinning from whisker to tail like a mad rabbit?"_

Do you have something against rabbits? Why compare this behavior to rabbits?!

Wrongs Record: 2

* * *

 _A curious thrush perching in a gnarled pear tree watched the two figures make their way at a sedate pace in the direction of Great Hall . . ._

The rest of this paragraph give the thrush a sentient nature, though we never here of him again. Plus, this series relies heavily on stereotypes, so I have to wonder if the thrush's gullibility is akin to all thrushes, which is really heavy against thrushes.

Wrongs Record: 3

* * *

 _Sunlight flooded down in slanting rainbow-hued shafts from the high, narrow stained-glass windows._

Of course, an abbey has to have stained-glass windows. But exactly what do these windows depict? Jacques makes it abundantly clear through the series that this abbey is not a Catholic church, so what sorts of things would be honored in these windows?

Wrongs Record: 4

* * *

 _The oldest part had been woven by the Founders of the Abbey, but each successive generation had added to it . . ._

One has to wonder how large the tapestry has become in the who-knows-how-many seasons that the abbey has been in business. The reason I say that is because eventually we would expect the tapestry to become too large to fit in the Great Hall, so what do they do when that happens? Would that signify the end of Redwall? December 21st, 2012, perhaps?

Wrongs Record: 5

* * *

" _You have been like a son to me, ever since you first came to our gates as an orphaned woodland mouse, begging to be taken in."_

So, apparently Matthias was old enough to remember his parents, but he never mentions them. Wouldn't they have had some influence on his character? Oh, and "orphaned hero with hidden potential" cliché.

Wrongs Record: 6

* * *

Also, "begging to be taken in"?! This kid had to beg to be allowed admittance? This seems pretty OOC compared to the rest of the story, but Jacques never bothers to clarify.

Wrongs Record: 7

* * *

" _We are mice of peace."_

Who you have to beg to get in, unless you're a vermin in which case we won't ever let you in, unless you're truly evil in which case we'll most certainly let you in and not bother to—oh, skip it.

Wrongs Record: 8

* * *

" _So fierce a fighter was Martin that he faced the enemy single-pawed, driving them mercilessly, far from Mossflower. During the rout, Martin fought a great battle against overwhelming odds. He emerged victorious after slaying the wildcat with his ancient sword, which became famous throughout the land. But in the last bloody combat Martin was seriously wounded. He lay injured in the snow until the mice found him. They brought him back to the Abbey and cared for his hurts until he regained his strength."_

Anyone who has read _Mossflower_ knows that Jacques changed his mind about these events later on, and that's reason enough for me to record it. First of all, this whole description implies that Martin was all alone throughout the entire battle! Then, it makes it sound like the vermin were chased all the way to the edge of the forest, which they weren't. Next it says that Martin killed Tsarmina with his sword, which he didn't. Fourthly, it mistakes mud for snow in the Spring. Finally, the mice bring Martin to an abbey which hasn't been built yet! That's five wrongs, right there!

Wrongs Record: 13

* * *

" _Then something seemed to come over him."_

We find out in _The Legend of Luke_ that he gave up his warrior-ship after finding out what happened to his father. That whole book is leading up to Martin's becoming 'a mouse of peace', but Abbot Mortimer manages to make it sound like peaceful-ex-machina.

Wrongs Record: 14

* * *

" _That is when our Order found its true vocation."_

So, what were you all doing before that? Was Abbess Germane lying about Loamhedge? Seriously, anyone might think Mortimer was trying to undermine the history of Redwall!

Wrongs Record: 15

* * *

" _All the mice took a solemn vow never to harm another living creature, unless it was an enemy that sought to harm our Order by violence."_

Before this, we often indulged in killing sprees every other week.

Wrongs Record: 16

* * *

Also, it seems the mice were the only ones bound by this rule. While this explains the GUOSIM, I still can't help but wonder what all the pressure on mice was for. What about the otters? Or squirrels? I'd mention moles, but I seriously doubt they could do much harm anyway. What was I ranting about?

Wrongs Record: 17

* * *

" _Anywhere we go, even far beyond Mossflower, we are treated with courtesy by all creatures."_

The rest of this paragraph clarifies that this literally implies all creatures. But in practically every single book, including this one, this idea is refuted. In fact, knowledge of Redwall's very existence seems limited to woodlanders. Again, what is wrong with Mortimer!?

Wrongs Record: 18

* * *

 _As the Abbot spoke, so his voice increased in volume and solemnity."_

And he seemed taller. And the whole room darkened a bit. You know, typical wizard effects.

Wrongs Record: 19

* * *

" _The day of the warrior is gone, my son."_

Of course, he would say this on the very day that Cluny arrives in the area.

Wrongs Record: 20

* * *

" _. . . and you need only think of obeying me, your Abbot, and doing as you are bidden."_

Am I alone in thinking Mortimer is sounding more and more like a villain?

Wrongs Record: 21

* * *

" _Tell Brother Alf that he is to take you fishing in the small boat. That's what young mice like doing, isn't it?"_

Apparently, Mortimer has forgotten what young mice like doing, and has to ask.

Wrongs Recorded: 22

* * *

 _. . . he must have a word with the Almoner, to see if some sandals could be found that were the right fit for Matthias._

You're just now thinking of this?! Earlier it was mentioned that Matthias was constantly exhibiting clumsiness, and it was heavily implied that his overly large clothing had something to do with it. Yet only now is Mortimer thinking to solve the problem!

Wrongs Recorded: 23

* * *

 **Total Wrongs: 23+  
**

 **Ruling: Warlord**

* * *

 **Let me know if I should continue this. Also, if you disagree with a wrong, explain why and I'll consider it. If you have an idea for an extra wrong, you can submit that, too!**

 **Read (which you already have done if you're here), review (with a comment, critique, or flame; I'll accept all three), and God bless you! Shalom! TTT 3/26/2016 Afternoon**


	2. EWW LWW

**Just so you know, I still intent to finish EWW Redwall; I just wanted to expand the idea a bit beforehand.**

 **Disclaimer: The Lewis Estate is under the ownership of Douglas Gresham, who live in Malta. Isn't that interesting?**

 **And as mentioned from the beginning, this idea is based off of _CinemaSins_. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Everything Wrong**

 **With**

 **The Lion, The Witch,**

 **And the Wardrobe**

 **In 3+ Pages**

 **Spoilers**

(Of course)

* * *

 _Chapter One: Lucy Looks Into a Wardrobe_

I'm just going to add seventeen wrongs for the lazy chapter titles Lewis has; I've read many of his works, and he's capable of better. If I find better titles later on I'll remove wrongs per good title.

Wrongs Record: 17

* * *

Having read the first paragraph of this story, I feel obliged to remove a wrong for a beautiful introduction. It's too large to put down here though (for copyright reasons), so you'll have to look for it on your own if you haven't seen it yet.

Wrongs Record: 16

* * *

" _We've fallen on our feet and no mistake," said Peter. "This is going to be perfectly splendid. That old chap will let us do anything we like."_

Behold, the future high king of Narnia.

Wrongs Record: 17

* * *

" _Trying to talk like Mother," said Edmund. "And who are you to say when I'm to go to bed?"_

Well, she's trying to talk like Mother, so, what would Mother say? You've answered your own question, Edmund. Not to mention that this is the girl's room they're all in right now, so if anyone has a right to send him out, it's Susan.

Wrongs Record: 18

* * *

" _No, there won't," said Peter. "I tell you this is the sort of house where no one's going to mind what we do."_

Behold, the future high king of Narnia.

Wrongs Record: 19

* * *

" _You might find anything in a place like this. . . . There might be eagles. There might be stags. They'll be hawks." "Badgers!" said Lucy._

Of all the creatures that might come to mind, Lucy thinks of badgers? What occurs to you when you think of woodland creatures? Are badgers at the top of the list? No.

Wrongs Record: 20

* * *

 _But when next morning came there was a steady rain falling,. . ."_

One wrong for the weather being this poorly timed and inconvenient in real life.

Wrongs Record: 21

* * *

" _Of course, it_ would _be raining!" said Edmund._

Edmund would be great at Literary Wrongs! I'm not sure why that's wrong, but that seems to be the prevailing opinion.

Wrongs Record: 22

* * *

" _And in the meantime we're pretty well off. There's a wireless and lots of books."_

This is actually good advise. But the other children will shove it off like a silly suggestion.

Wrongs Record: 23

* * *

" _Not for me," said Peter;"_

Behold, the future hi- oh, whatever, you get the idea!

Wrongs Record: 24

* * *

 _Everyone agreed to this and that is how the adventures began_.

1) By referring to "adventures" in the plural, Lewis seems to reference the whole series, in which case the adventures _actually_ began with a crazy old man and a box of magic dust. 2) If he's only referencing _this_ book, then it still didn't technically begin here; they might as well have begun with the children arriving at the house (which incidentally is when the book starts), or when Lucy actually decides to enter the wardrobe. Either way, this line is more dramatic then it has a right to be.

Wrongs Record: 25

* * *

" _Nothing there!" said Peter,"_

Excuse me? There's a wardrobe and a dead blue bottle (whatever that is). As little as that may seem, it's definitely something.

Wrongs Record: 26

* * *

Also, behold the future high king of Narnia.

Wrongs Record: 27

* * *

 _There was nothing Lucy liked so much as the smell and feel of fur._

Nothing?!

Wrongs Record: 28

* * *

 _. . . leaving the door open, of course, because she knew that it is very foolish to shut oneself into any wardrobe._

I remember having this read to me when I was seven, and feeling stupid for not having known before hand how foolish it is to shut yourself up in a wardrobe. You can image how I feel now when I'm eighteen, and have yet to see a wardrobe in my entire life.

Wrongs Record: 29

* * *

 _(She had, of course, left the door open, for she knew that it is a very silly thing to shut oneself into a wardrobe.)_

And now it's repeated, in case you forgot it in the past page-and-a-half.

Wrongs Record: 30

* * *

 _He had a red woolen muffler around his neck and his skin was rather reddish too._

Well, I would assume so! I mean come on, the guy is where nothing but a scarf! Seriously, he should be freezing to death right now.

Wrongs Record: 31

* * *

 _One of his hands, as I have said, held the umbrella:"_

In fact, he'd said it twice before. You'd think that, with all the focus on the umbrella, it would become important later.

Wrongs Record: 32

* * *

" _Goodness gracious me!" exclaimed the Faun._

I've got to take off another wrong for that line; the way the chapter ends with a lengthy description and then confirms the identity of the mythical creature with this line is perfect.

Wrongs Record: 31

* * *

 **Total Wrongs: 31+**

 **Ruling: Does not fulfill the prophecy**


End file.
